Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize