I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
