Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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