I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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