Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
