I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
