i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
