Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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