I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
