new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I met the friendliest cop last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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