You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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