just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
