I think my fart just growled at me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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