you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
