can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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