Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
