Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
