he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
