I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Houston, we have a squirter
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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