I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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