Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize