It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
