Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
