i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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