he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize