woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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