omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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