My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
