we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
