I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize