The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
