why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
