no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
