you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
