I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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