Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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