I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
