It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
