every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
