Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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