I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
