I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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