life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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