I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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