that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
