I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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