It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize