Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
