i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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