Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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