I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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