VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize