11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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