Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
