All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
