Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
