i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
