How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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