So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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