Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
