I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
