i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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