Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
