i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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