I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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