He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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