You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He? As in you personified your dick?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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