Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize