Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
