I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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