I should be sponsored by Trojan
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
