when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
