he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
